Daydreams of the Future...

My whole life all I wanted was to be a grown up. Being a grown up is looking scarier and scarier!
There is so much to consider. Who will I be? Where will I go? Will I fail? If and when I fail will I find a way to stand back up?

I am trying to latch myself to the plan of God. I keep telling God how afraid I am. I trust him...well I am trying. I know that He has this incredible plan for me. I cant see it though. I can almost feel it but I cant see it. I know that He has brought me this far for one purpose...service to Him.

I told my mom the other day that its hard sometimes to believe that God's still has a plan, because I perverted it so much. I have to remember though that God knew all along that I would go this way, I know it not what He wanted, but He always knew. He knew that I would turn away and He knew that I would come back; He knew that even when I couldnt have imagined it. God promised me the nations and the nations He will give to me.

My heart breaks as I consider the incredible love of God. How He designed me in all my intricate parts. He fashioned me and put me together, knowing my purpose from the start. How awesome that He has brought me through to the do the thing He designed me to do...I was created like a unique gear in a clock....Who can fathom this love? Its too much for my heart to contain or comprehend.

The days until summer cannot come fast enough. I miss my sister more than I have words to express. There is no one in the whole world who means to me what she does. I do not believe anyone is as beautiful and increbile as she is. She is bursting with potential and I am so excited to see all the Lord has in store for her. The distance, the miles truely break my heart.

His Revealing Love

I am the unfaithful. His faithfulness has endured even when the best of love would have given up. Its easy to forget the incredible sacrifice He made for me. Its easy to put it out of my mind that real nails were driven into is limbs and He bled out, in a slow death of overwhelming shock from blood loss. It is easy to forget that He felt all that pain. It has been so easy to walk away. Its incredible because He in His love allows us to leave. He allows us to chose that which is bad for us. Yet perhaps even more astounding is His forgiveness. He lets us come back, and loves us the same. This is love. This is love in is full definition. This love is unspeakable, unheard of even in our more desperate of love stories. It is more amazing and beautiful then my human eyes or mind can conceive. Love is not a human experience or emotion. Love in truth more than humans are truly capable of. Perhaps this is why Paul does not command the wife (the Biblical comparison to the church) to love the husband, but rather to submit to. Perhaps Paul understood what has just been revealed to me. Humans are not capable of true love. We are capable of willing submission, and even I think we are capable of selflessness (all be it rare), but not love. We have a form of affection, connection, and desire that resembles perhaps as closely as possible this thing called love, but it is not true love. We are not capable of true love. And perhaps this is why God's love for us is so astounding and so difficult for us to grasp. God loves us, we are only mere imitators. We are so blessed to serve a God who will reveal his love to us one piece at a time. Who are we that he would share this with us, a self seeking people?

A Statement (or two)

I first hope is that I will have the courage to always be myself;

My unedited often ridiculous self.

My second hope is that you will do the same.

Timing

Are we early? Are we late? Are we on time? How do we do we know when there is no clock on the path of life?

Everything Happens For a Reason?

Sometimes I wonder if this true. I think that God works with us, even when we go against Him, but I am not convinced that everything happens for a reason. Somethings happen because we aren't determined in our heart of hearts to ensure that. Sometimes we choose what is easy rather than what is right. God works in our imperfect. How awesome is that? How awesome is it that God really does take us how we are and accepts us sin and all? Seems kinda crazy...if God were human Id have to say He's pretty sick for loving us so much. I certainly dont deserve it. I am so sorry I took my eyes off Him. Its crazy how fast we get ourselves into messes when our eyes arent focused on eternity. But even crazier is how quickly our Savior shows up to our rescue. Man, I serve a good God.

Lord I am sorry. I am going to try to fix my eyes on you once again.

Suddenly...

I miss you suddenly...suddenly out of seemingly no where I feel all of you. Suddenly I can remember what your embrace feels like. I can practically taste your lips. I shiver as I recall your fingers intertwining with mine. I can taste all the sweetness of sin. It is both beautiful and intoxicating. It is dangerous and frightening. It is all consuming.

I freeze. I will not let myself get any closer. We will guard eachother and ourselves in the struggle to stay apart. We are both so toxic to the other.

I will not foolish. I will not let my memory and desire carry me away. I will remember the hurt and lessons of my youth. I will rest in the Lord. I will find refuge there. I will run and not grow weary. For you are my God, my strength and my fortress forever. I will not fall to the errors of my youth.

It is okay. I will miss you both now and always. My skin often craves yours. But I will remember my own folly. I will remember what I want in this moment is but temporary. It is fleeting and foolish. No I will wait on the Lord. I will trust his plan.

Where did I go?

I think I just got sick of blogging. I go thru phases. My blogs were becoming the endless heartbreak rants, which is great in all but honestly I got a lot more going on than that. I mean thats what journals are for.

so me? hmmm I know this God is Good. He's better and more than I could ever imagine or deserve. He really is good all the time. I find where there is good its always God and when there is not good its just humans messing everything up. I literally messed up everything. A year ago I was practically failing school, miserable, and had completely walked out on God. I made so many mistakes and lied to so many people and hurt in so many ways. I didnt see the light, how I even held on or what I held on to is a mystery even to me.

So where does that leave me now? Well today I am happy. I am not depressed, I am not miserable, in fact Id say Im darn good. I love school (ok so I hate school but just the school part test and hw, but I love what Im learning and I love nursing). I am the future President of NSA! I just interviewed for an internship for the summer. I led a clinical group. I am walking possibly running (a least a little bit) a half marathon!! To say the least Ive come a long way. Me and God we are tight. I know that everything I have is grace. I dont deserve a thing. Every point I earn on a test totally GOD! I dont always get Him and sometimes I have trouble waiting for him but at the end of the day I know in my heart He loves me and only wants whats best for me.

So love life? Do my books count as boyfriends? I guess you could say Im trying to just get to know me. Im trying to see what I can do. I get lonely but I know that God has someone fantastic already picked out and I think I might try to wait on that. :)